Today I feel like my special time at home with Parker is running out...I think that it is because he returned to preschool this morning from our summer break, but it could also be the constant internal battle I am having with whether I would like to have baby no. 2 or not. You know you try to have a timeline, which I am sure that God laughs at, in your life of when you want things to happen or when you want to make a change... Mine concerning baby no. 2 was always well I would see how I felt about it when Parker turned 3...well in the wake of his third birthday, I am UNDECIDED... We didn't follow the timeline anyway when we decided to start trying for Parker but because it took so long for me to get pregnant, it ended up falling right on schedule with what I had originally planned. (I bet God is really laughing now! I know that Parker was given to us at just the right time that God had in mind but it is crazy how things like that happen!) Be married for 5 years and have that time for just "us" then try for baby no. 1. Once he was here I def. knew that I didn't want little stairsteps or if I even wanted another step so that it where..."well when Parker turns 3 I might think about another baby again", came from. Not that I don't love being a mom...anyone who knows me knows that I do...but nothing is wrong with being a mom to only 1 child either. It isn't selfish, it isn't unfair, it is whatever you make it! Soo...I am trying to figure that part of my future out and praying for God to let me know what he has in store for us! Ok so with that being said one of my friends who is a mother of two just stopped by and when I look at her youngest, it does make my heart yearn...also my best friend is pregnant and I love just looking at her belly grow and I feel a little bit jealous because I absolutly loved being pregnant...BUT it just isn't enough right now for me to say for 100% sure...
Now...Parker is at preschool and I think about our special time together. I think about how much fun we have had at home together, the wonderful bond that we share, and the special connection that we have that no one else is a part of. I love it. It makes me so sad to know that as he grows and I return to work and he goes to school, that this will all be precious memories. Ughhh...I don't want to take away anything from him, but secretly I would love to keep him all to myself at home forever. Hard realization that my baby boy is growing up!
when and if you have baby #2, all those feelings you have with parker are ten-fold with #2. it is unimaginable how much you can love another baby. when i was pregnant with holly, i used to feel like i was cheating on kendal by being pregnant, and worry constantly that i would not love her as much. BOY WAS I WRONG! now i feel like i am cheating holly out of being a big sister. having a sibling is not only a gift that you give yourselves (as a couple), it is also a gift that you give your firstborn: a friend for life.
ReplyDeletesecond children are SO special in such a different way. the only way to understand is to experience it! i would have never believed it if i hadn't done it myself. :) i wish you luck getting pregnant if you choose to, but either way i know God has a plan regardless of yours! :)